if i were a millionaire

if all the posts regarding my laziness were compiled and i could change them into money, i would have had more than enough to pay for my exam fees. 

now, that says a lot, don't you think?

i want to be a lot of things. i want to be an adventuress who travels across the world looking for a challenge. i want to be a multiple-Oscar-winning actress with films that gross more than a million to her name. i want to be brave and not scared of small things like the dark and snakes. i want to be courteous and nice to other people. i want to be able to hold positive opinions about the people i know. i want to look at the world with a more positive outlook.

i also wanted to be a bimbo, but i figured that i'm too smart and classy to be one.

what i don't want to be is myself.

you see, i want to do a lot of things. you don't know how many times i wish that i'm not living my life right now. how many times i wish that i can just leave everything and do whatever i want even if they can harm my person. it's just a wishful thinking, you see, because i have too many responsibilities and too many promises to be fulfilled.

i love my family desperately, but sometimes i just want them to leave me alone. i'm also grateful for my friends, but sometimes their attention (and sometimes presence) makes me gag. in short, i feel smothered.

i need a distraction. i don't know how much longer i can live like this. 

and, to tell you the truth, i don't even have the heart to go to the classes anymore. i think it'll be better for me to study by myself.