that's how much topics and chapters i missed out during my absence, and i have spent most of my waking hours studying and covering everything so that i'm not totally lost in class. since i can only study during the night (and most of the times in the wee hours of the morning), i'm sleepy during my classes, and i've skipped classes because i overslept.
one of the papers i'm taking is very technical, and i'm in a struggle just to understand what the hell is everything. to make matters worse, the lecturer for this paper seems to dislike me. she's not only pointing out every mistake i made, she also belittles every one of my effort. this comes from a lecturer who judges everyone by the surface, and makes fun of everyone she thinks beneath her. she trusts solely on statistics, and she thinks that everything that can't be explained by logic is a four-letter word. it's not that i want her to praise me for the progress i'm making (far from it), it's just that i think all of my efforts are worth something and i need her to understand me. i take heart with what she said because it seems like a personal attack to my person.
i'm surprised by what she shown me, doesn't she want every one of her students to pass with flying colours? she's a lecturer for goodness' sake, so i have to really keep my temper in check. my other lecturers have said not to mind everything she does, but how can i, when she keeps insulting me? once, i almost shouted at her, because she prohibited me to enter her class.
she behaves like it was my fault that i was sick and away from her class for so long. she also treats me like i'm a worthless shit because i failed a paper on the last sitting. there are only three people who passed all papers in my class (there are 14 of us), so i keep asking myself, why she picked me?
so, here i am, with not enough sleep, and not enough energy to brace the day. i'm tensed all the time, and i'm just a step away from depression. i just hope i have enough strength to face 2 more months of her.
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